No Rooftop is Safe!
by castiel-holmes
Summary: Angel/Torchwood crossover. TOTAL CRACK. Angel and Jack meet on a rooftop. Wackiness and sex ensue. Oh yeah, Captain John and Spike are here, too.


Title: No Rooftop is Safe!

Rating: Er. PG-13. Its not so much graphic as it is terrifying, in a totally cracktastic way.

Summary: Angel/Torchwood crossover. TOTAL CRACK. Angel and Jack meet on a rooftop.

Pairing: Jack/Angel, Jack/John, Jack/Angel/John, John/Spike, Jack/John/Angel/Spike

Extremely unbeta'd.

A/N: People shouldn't stay up well past 1 a.m. discussing how much Jack Harkness and Angel are alike with the rooftops and the brooding and the good looks. It leads to things like this :P

Angel stood atop the Hyperion Hotel, coat fluttering out behind him like an enormous, misshapen wing, (making him feel a bit like Batman, really), and, with some heaviness of heart, surveyed the violent night of the city that had become his home.

He hardly noticed the nearly identical figure on the rooftop across from him, only it felt a bit like looking in a mirror, what with the flowing coat, brooding, and general air of Batman surrounding him. Angel did notice, however, one distinct difference with a hint of sadness: this other figure had what seemed to be the comfortable glow given off by people who were getting some regularly.

This would certainly not do. He couldn't have a happier (meaning: more sexed) version of himself wandering around the city, free to get in the pants of all the citizens he couldn't. Er, rather, threaten the…oh, there wasn't any other way of putting it. This man had clearly been laid in the past 24 hours and Angel hadn't seen any action since he'd impregnated his dead ex-lover. This would not do at all.

"Hey! You! What are you doing?" he called out across the rooftop.

He could feel the other man raising an eyebrow. "Looking sexy. You're doing a pretty good job of it, too."

Startled, Angel said nothing for a beat, and then, "How can you even see me?" Angel really hoped this guy wasn't a vampire, too, because that would mean he'd have to kill him and his chances of rooftop sex would decrease exponentially (meaning: go down from one to none).

"Professional secret. Don't worry, I'm not a dangerous creature of the night like yourself. Just a regular, human being, complete with one beating heart and one great set of skills in bed." He grinned, and Angel would've sworn the glint of his teeth shone brighter than the moon. It put him off just a little, giving him second thoughts towards this man's humanity.

He jumped rooftops, landing next to Jack and, in a somewhat sexual and somewhat creepy way sniffed him. "You don't smell human."

Both eyebrows went up this time. "And I thought I was being forward."

Angel backed off. "Er, sorry. Are you sure you're human?"

"Positive. Not alien or demon. Which, by the way, were originally aliens. Just so you know." He closed the space Angel had created. "Which means, technically, it's my job to either kill you or keep track of you, and I'm inclined to the latter. Other than your obvious looks, oh man, a vampire with morals? That doesn't happen everyday."

"Excuse me. You're job? I was here first." Angel stood at his most imposing, but was slightly disappointed that it only seemed to arouse his opponent, rather than scare him.

Jack leaned in very, very, very close, murmuring into his ear, "That means you get to be on top."

After a few moments of heated personal brooding, Angel decided it might make him extremely happy to get laid, but that Jack didn't seem to care if he had tentacles growing out of his head; he'd probably try to get in his pants anyway. Therefore, he decided it wouldn't make him very happy after all, and he was desperate for a shag, so it would all work out in the end for everyone.

They had sex on the rooftop, and Jack only felt briefly guilty for having cheated on all three of his significant others back in Cardiff. Angel didn't feel guilty at all.

Until of course, a certain other Captain appeared on the roof. "Jack!" he hollered, "I've been looking for you through centuries!"

Jack froze, pants around his ankles, and looked pretty much like he'd run in the opposite direction if it weren't for the offending garment impeding his progress.

"Don't you mean _for_ centuries?" Angel asked.

"Nope, through. Who're you? The new shag? Don't get too attached. I saw him first." John sauntered over towards Jack, slinging an arm around his naked shoulders possessively. Jack winced, and really wished he was a speedier dresser.

In the renewed gleam of Jack's teeth, Angel could make out John's features correctly. "You look familiar. Like…Spike??"

"If that's what you're into. I've done worse." He winked. "Oh, and if you're talking about that attractive blond who gives great head? Yeah, I see the resemblance…Care to see for yourself?" He leered at Angel, who was also basically naked, except for one sock he hadn't managed to get off.

Momentarily stunned speechless by the idea of getting laid three times in the same year (once was Darla), Angel weighed his options, and decided that yes, a threesome was in his best interests. Or maybe a foursome, he thought as he speed-dialed Spike.

Jack decided that a threesome was greater than his distaste for John, and a foursome was so much greater than the distaste that he actually felt warm feelings towards him for the first time since he'd run away screaming the moment the time-loop ended.

John was incredibly happy, and very much enjoyed the narcissistic sex. For a second time.

Spike couldn't help feeling a little used, but he was pleased that accidentally feeding on Jack didn't have any lasting consequences, because, as he lead Angel to discover, Jack's blood tasted like chocolate and happiness.

John and Angelus then proceeded to take over the world.


End file.
